Prisoner

Katie Landstra

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I see the bright lights in front of me, blinding me. I jerk the steering wheel to the right, but it's too late. The truck collides with my car with a sickening crunch. For a split second, time seems to stand still. My ears are ringing, and I feel the pain of a thousand knives in my shattered leg, but nothing is worse than the pain I feel when I look at the passenger seat. There’s blood. So much blood. But even worse than that, worse than the shattered window and the awkward angles of Bella’s limbs, is her vacant stare. I reach for her, trying to stop the bleeding, but there’s too much. I start breathing harder and my vision becomes blurred at the edges before I collapse against the seat hearing the faint sound of sirens in the distance.

“Jade? Hey. Wake up,” A soft voice says. It’s Clara, my cellmate. I roll over in bed, slowly shaking the nightmare from my mind. Only it’s not just a nightmare, it’s my reality. A mistake that will never be atoned for, no matter how many nights I spend underneath a scratchy blanket in a cold prison cell.

“Big day today,” Clara says, leaning back against her chair. She stares at me expectantly, waiting for my excitement that will never come.

Today is my release date. I’m finally free. If only I was merely a prisoner of these walls and not my own guilt and grief. There’s not even a flicker of hope within me – how can I be happy when I’ve taken so much joy from the world?

“The nightmares are getting worse,” Clara says when I don’t respond.

I sigh. After the accident, I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t want to, because every time I closed my eyes, I saw Bella’s face, devoid of life. I saw my parents observing me from a distance in the hospital, as if my carelessness was contagious. I saw Bella’s mom sobbing in the courtroom as she delivered her victim statement to the court.

How could you? You monster. My only daughter! It should’ve been you. . .

“I can’t stop replaying it in my mind,” I say to Clara as I rub the sleep from my eyes. I’ve been doing good lately – I can sometimes go a whole week without crying or waking up in a cold sweat from a nightmare. After the trial was over and I began my four-year sentence, the pain was too much to bear, so my mind shut down – I refused to think about anything, and I went about my days in a numb haze. I was too caught up in my own guilt that I never allowed myself to grieve. Although the old wound was wrapped, it continued to fester, especially now with my release date on the horizon.

It wasn’t just one decision either that cost Bella her life. It was mistake after mistake after mistake that could’ve been avoided but was made anyway. Bella didn’t want to go to the party that night. She wasn’t into that sort of thing, but I made her go. The sharp pain of regret stabs my chest as I remember how it all went down.

“Come on, Bell. It’s just one night. Have a little fun for once,” I said, teasing her as we stood side by side in front of the mirror doing our makeup. There was a boy, Hunter, who I liked from my math class. I knew he was going to be there, but I was too nervous to go alone. I needed Bella by my side. Bella looked unsure. She tugged on the ends of her shirtsleeve like she always did when she was nervous.

“It won’t be any fun for me anyway. As soon as you get there and see Hunter, you’ll leave me behind. You don’t need me there,” Bella reasoned.

I shook my head and turned to look at her.

“Yes, I do. Besides, it’ll be good for you to get out. You spend way too much time studying,” I argued.

She sighed and offered me a reluctant smile. She didn’t protest again.

Later that night, however, Bella’s intuition proved true when I left her alone to be with Hunter. It wasn’t intentional, but the drinks kept coming and the world started to fade at the edges. I wasn’t thinking about her at all or about anything really. I was just riding the high of the night with Hunter by my side. Eventually Bella found me though, this time to inform me that she was leaving. But I wouldn’t have it. All my emotions felt bigger somehow, and I couldn’t stand the idea that I’d abandoned her at the party I dragged her along to, only to make her leave alone.

“Belllla, no. Ssstop. I’ll drive us. Don’t call an uber,” I said. Bella had also had a few drinks, but she still had the wherewithal to know neither of us should be driving. She protested, but I insisted. It was only a short drive, and I wasn’t going to let her down again.

We were only a few turns away from campus when it happened. The road ahead curved sharply to the right, and in my drunken state, I didn’t see until it was too late. We were in the other lane, and the truck came seemingly out of nowhere. We collided. I came out with a shattered leg and some bruising, the truck driver had hardly a scratch.

But Bella was dead.

And it was all my fault.

The number of times I wished the roles could’ve been reversed, that I could’ve taken Bella’s place, are too many to count. The universe chose wrong when it took Bella instead of me. She was an only child, a miracle baby after years of trying. Her boyfriend had been carrying a ring in his pocket for weeks, waiting for the right moment. She was studying to be a nurse - she would’ve helped so many people.

But I was the one who got to live. The girl who went to parties who didn’t know what she was doing the next day, let alone for the rest of her life.

And here I sit in my prison cell, about to be released back into the world. As if the world even wants me back.

“You gotta let it go eventually, kid,” Clara says. Easy for her to say. She’s not in here for manslaughter. How can I leave this place knowing that everywhere I go, everything I say, everything I do, Bella should be doing instead. My conscience can never be wiped clean.

“What do you think she would want you to do, huh? You think she’d want you sulking around all day feeling sorry for yourself? She’d want you to live. You can’t change the past, but you can live the life that she couldn’t. You can at least do that much,” Clara remarks. I’ve heard those words before, both from her and various grief counselors, but today they strike a chord within me.

I only have one chance at a fresh start, and this is it. I’ve approached the fork in the road, and as much as it hurts, I need to try to rebuild my life. I might never be forgiven by my family, or Bella’s family, or even myself.

But I know Bella forgives me.

And that alone is enough to keep me going. I was given a second chance that night, when my life was spared instead of Bella’s, and today is my first day to capitalize on that fortune.  It’s the least I can do to show the universe I was worth saving after all.

When I step outside the prison and breathe in the fresh air, taking in my newfound freedom, I look to the sky and say three words.

For you, Bella.